His and Her Health

Nine years ago my husband had a radical prostatectomy. I have always believed that his continued life was much more important than continued sexual intercourse. He has suffered from feelings of inadequacy and has tried every drug, ring, pump, etc. Nothing works to solve his impotence.<P>We cuddle and kiss, but I am afraid to ask for more because it frustrates him because he cannot, in his opinion, perform sexually. This has lead to a decrease in our cuddling and feelings of closeness. <P>At age 57, after 9 years of abstinence, I am currently experiencing intense sexual desire. I have never been unfaithful and don't want to do anything that would harm my relationship with my husband of almost 30 years. However, I am beginning to feel resentment because he doesn't seem to think sex is necessary to me because I don't complain. I have read that other husband's with prostate cancer feel that their wives are not missing sex. <P>Hopefully my strong desire for sexual satisfaction will subside. My gyn appointment is scheduled and hopefully she can assist with this problem. <P>I feel guilty for feeling attraction to men who flirt with me. My husband has cancer. What kind of a horrible person am I to even think of sexual satisfaction? However, I feel like I am losing my mind because of this intense desire. I have not discussed this latest intense desire with my husband because when I tried to talk to him about before he became very depressed. <P>What should I do? I would greatly appreciate kind and informed responses. Would love to hear from other wives of spouses who are impotent.

Men and their doohickeys! Why does it always have to be about the state of their organ? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate male anatomy as much as the next woman, but I've had very satisfying sexual relations with a man paralyzed from the waist down. There are plenty things to do besides kissing and cuddling, and I'm very surprised his doctors didn't mention this to him. For starters, there's a technique called VENIS (Very Erotic Non-insertive Sex). Not to mention the old standbys of oral sex and manual stimulation. Now he may be of a generation uncomfortable with the thought of oral sex, but his fingers still work. There's also the possibility of using toys, if you both are open to that. Good Lord, nine years!<P>On the other hand, he may have lost all desire for sexual activity, which is a different thing than simple hydraulics problems. I'm not sure if testosterone treatment would help this in his situation (I'm not a doctor), but it might.

Your reply is right on the mark, however to my knowledge the doctors have never expressed an interest in my sexual needs only his. They have written RXs for erectile dysfunction. <P>Testerone is out of the question for him because his cancer has not been cured. Oral sex is out of the questions because it frustrates him. Ditto for fingers and toys. Sounds kinda' like it is all about the male need?<P>In the past when sexual activities has been initiated he just gets more frustrated and depressed. I don't want to be selfish and make him feel worse. However, he doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned about my needs. This has not contributed to feelings of closeness and my resentment is growing. Are there other wives out there with this problem?<P>Probably a lot of people would see me as an evil, selfish person because he is the one with cancer and I am healthy with a strong desire for sexual satisfaction. This is a difficult admission on my part.<P>After 9 years, the hope of ever returning to sexual activity with my husband has vanished. After he has died, which is inevitable for all, I wonder if I will still be interested in sex? Seems like an important function in life is gone forever.

Well, you've entered the realm where I don't have advice--I give advice on the physical aspects of sex. I'm hoping others here can help you. There are other boards out there dealing specifically with the problem you are going through. I can't post links here, but a google search may bring them up.

Well, I can certainly relate to this topic, but under different circumstances. My husband is perfectly healthy, and is fully capable of having sex/maintaining an erection. However, I have come to the conclusion that his lack of desire/frustrations come from his own feelings of inadequacy in pleasing me, as well as his inhibitions and views on sex using toys and/or self stimulation. He tends to hide under the umbrella of "religion" regarding those two ways of pleasure, but forgets to include ways of having sex that would fall in that category such as "oral to him", if you know what I mean. In other words, when it comes to my pleasure, some things are just not "natural" to him unless it's done through penetration or his own hand (which simply doesn't work), but when it comes to things to please him, everything is acceptable. He gets very frustrated when I move his hand to a place where I want him to touch me, but if I try to guide his movements with that hand, he stops and says "this isn't gonna work". I say all that to say this: I realize that your husband has an ailment that very well will affect his performance sexually, but it sounds as if it's compounded with the mental burden of performance anxiety. Unfortunately, it's easier for some men to sulk and ignore sex all together than to make a sincere attempt to at least TRY to please his mate in this area. Have you suggested a sex therapist for the both of you to try out? If so, was he receptive? I sincerely wish you the best, and am sorry for your husband's illness. May God bless you both.

"Lateinthegame," thank you for your input. Your husband and my husband sound as though they grew up together or at least with the same values. The traditional male model about how it is about WHAT they need, WHEN they need it and HOW it will be done is too old-fashioned for the current times. Everything was fine sexually when the relationship was new but as with most relationships, new methods and techniques add the spice that makes the sex more fun and satisfying. <P>My husband was so much like yours, oral for him was great; oral sex for me was just not helping him get his satisfaction. My personal hygiene is immaculate and there was no physical reason why he should refuse to give oral sex. Frankly, I should have recognized and rejected his chauvinistic style long ago and I would not be in this difficult situation now. <P>We were married when I was 27. I am still in good shape and not lacking in visual or sexual appeal. The fantasy of having an extra-marital, confidential, discreet affair is becoming very appealing. After nearly 30 years of absolute fidelity, I hope this desire will pass, hope it is just a hormone surge ... hope a satisfying solution can be found.<P>You explained your situation with your husband, but you did not say how you solved the problem, or if you have. My husband has enough to worry about with continuing cancer treatment (female hormone shots ) so a sex therapist is not appropriate at this time. <P>Again, I appreciate the input from both of you.

If he's getting female hormone shots, his desire levels must be affected. Not sure how, not being a doctor, but that's going to affect his interest in having any sort of sexual activity at all. For example, many women on this board have low testosterone levels and are completely uninterested in having any sort of sexual activity, even in giving their husband a hand job.<P>I don't know what to tell you about all that, but I do have some practical advice. Taking care of yourself doesn't replace a man, but it's a heck of a lot better than no orgasms at all. I'd get some women-oriented erotica, either written or visual, an Eroscillator or Hitachi Magic Wand, and a silicone dildo and buy yourself some time to make your decision with a clear head. Much easier to make sensible decisions about sex after you've had a lot of really terrific orgasms

prostatecancerwife: In response to your question as to how we resolved the problem? Well, we haven't, but zane hit the nail on the head!!! I take care of myself in the orgasm area. We still have sex together, and I've even been so fortunate to receive a little foreplay from him. I'm not complaining. Heck, at least he's trying! That's a start for us in this new area. However, in the meantime, I make sure that I'm satisfied on a REGULAR basis. I agree with zane that the Hitachi is a wonderful friend! Mr. Hitachi is my only extra-marital affair. I couldn't live with myself if I had a real one. It has appeared attractive during those "emotional" times I've had alone with my thoughts, but that's as far as I'll allow them to go. I'm sure you are probably the same. Sounds like you love your husband dearly as I do mine, and would never intentionally hurt him more than what he's already going through with his health.

Thanks for your advice. <P>Followed your suggestions and thinking with a cleaerr mind is helpful. Not all of the 9 years have been spent in frustration. Many of the 9 years were spent taking care of my husband, making sure he eats, making sure he gets to his appointments and treatments. My goal/our goal was always to extend his life and that was our choice instead of watchful waiting. Unfortunately the surgery and radiation didn't work. He does not have pain or discomfort. I will continue being faithful to him because I love him and won't do anything to hurt him.<P>My fantasy can still be a rock hard penis satisfying 9 years of going without. Don't most men prefer young women? At my age (mid-50), not many men would probably want me anyway. That to me is the sad part, I afraid I am going to die without ever having great sex again. (Yes, that is self pity. Or maybe I'm just greiving the loss of a gift of life.)<P>Last sardonic note, impotence is the final solution to male infidelity.

I won't chime in too much here, since impotence is a touchy topic for me. I am living in a similar same situation with my husband, but I am only 31 years old. He's 32. We have a *long* time to live with this, and discussion isn't an option in our case. It's something we both know, but like your husband, discussion seems to make it worse. Of course, I no longer have much desire, either, so I suppose that's a blessing in some ways.<P>Regardless, I wanted to tell you that you're not alone. There are other women dealing with this, and it's difficult and can be heartwrenching. <hugs><P>Men don't always prefer younger women, and men can often maintain a very nice erection well into their senior years. So, there is no reason to think that you may not, someday, have great sex again if you wish to remarry or develop another relationship later in life. <P>For now, I know that concentrating on your husband's health and care is very important, and I also know exactly how difficult taking on the role of caregiver can be in a marriage. I hope you find some peace, and some solutions to your frustrations. I also hope you and your husband can maintain some intimacy through this very trying time, which I know can be rough in and of itself.<P>

I just wanted to respond to the post from prostate cancer wife. I'm in the same situation. My husband had a prostatectomy and radiation about 3 years ago. Unfortunately the cancer is still there.
I too feel horrible complaining about lack of intercourse but I'm now 48 and it's hard to think about no sex for the rest of my life. He's tried the pumps and medications and most recently and unsuccessfully injections. He has another strength of the injections to try but it's such an ordeal he hates it and I hate to ask about it, so the bottle of medication stays in the freezer.
I'm not looking to go anywhere but I just can't think of anything new to try. I hate hearing that I should be happy with just oral sex but it just doesn't cut it sometimes. I can't suggest that he use a dildo, it would probably kill him. Very fragile ego here. I did get one for myself. I felt like such a traitor even ordering it. I have it hidden in the house as I can't imagine how horrible he would feel to know I have one. Actually it's pretty good but I shake my head knowing I have a relationship with a piece of rubber!

What I still can't believe is the lack of information and communication about this problem. There are a few books written by women who make me feel so ungrateful. And that's it. No support groups, doctors have no idea what to say to us.

Lately, I have been having dreams about my husband with a functioning penis. Really weird but not surprising.

Just happened across your post in a google search after a dream last night. You are not alone though I'm not sure what solace that provides. Feel free to write back in the forum. At least you know one person that exists out here in cyber space shares your pain and frustration.

missingsex, You probably have heard all that is in this article http://www.hisandherhealth.com/prostate-awareness/2006-2007/prevention-treatment-of-erectile-dysfunction-following-radical-prostatectomy-radiation-therapy.html

but read it all and especially the part that says if nothing works a penile implant may be the only answer.

Yes I have figured that this is probably the only option but I think that hell will freeze over before he would go for this.

Thanks for the info.

Many good suggestions have been made. However, some very sensitive sex therapy can be helpful in
creating a safe place to discuss and negotiate. Perhaps it is an uphill battle with this particular man, but his feelings about his impotence and his avoidance of sexuality post-tx for prostate cancer are common. It's hard for couples to negotiate these rough waters by themselves, but sex therapists are trained in how to talk about sexuality and illness, and in how to be sensitive to the needs and fears of both parties.

You can find a sex therapist at www.aasect.org.

Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.