His and Her Health

Still in the same sexless marriage and still looking for answers. I was just on a sexless marriage site where a forum poster said her marriage counsellor advised her to force herself to have sex with her husband at least twice a week and that this would "save" her marriage. She reports that she did do this and continues to do this even though she does have to force herself but her marriage is better. Is this for real? Anyone else ever been given this kind of advice and have it work for them? Isn't this a form of "faking?" I mean, lots of people talk about faking orgasms but what about faking the "intimacy" of sex itself? Could this actually work?

I think it CAN work, but let me be VERY SPECIFIC about how.

Often, women don't feel "in the mood" so they avoid sex, thinking they need to be in the mood before they start. But in reality, once they are doing it, the mood arises out of the activities and they end up having a great time and wonder why they don't do this more often. Until the next time.

Sometimes starting is an act of faith. But it has to be based on experience - actively remembering that the last time you had sex when you weren't in the mood you ended up enjoying it and felt great afterward.

THE CRITICAL POINT: How do you feel RIGHT AFTER? Do you feel happy and content? Or do you feel angry and unsatisfied?

If you "force yourself" to have sex and then feel like you were used, don't force yourself. This will NOT improve your marriage and it will harm your self-esteem.

If you usually end up glad you did it, then yes, "force yourself" - though I prefer to call it "starting on faith."

I think you have deeper problems in your marriage than can be fixed by random advice from articles and strangers. I hope you can get some counseling.

eva_m
Thanks for your thoughts. I know what you mean about the difference and wonder if we all at some point have not just gone on faith and enjoyed the result once things got going.

I do recognize that my husband and I are not in an easy answer situation but, just so you know, I have been getting counselling. I did try to get my husband involved with that process to no avail. And no I'm not just reading random advice from articles and strangers (although you are a stranger and I'm reading your advice . . . lol) But seriously, I am getting help from a professional. I just wondered about other people's thoughts on this idea of "just doing it." My last experience of "just doing it" was not exactly wonderful but I am nothing if not tenacious so I keep looking for answers and trying things that others have tried to solve problems which appear (at least on the surface) to be similar to mine.

When you do have intercourse do you tell your husband what pleases you, does he try to turn you on?

Moderator, yes, I've told my husband what pleases me but he is impatient and does what I ask only briefly before he moves on to doing something else. I've tried to explain that for me to enjoy sex we have to take our time and I've tried to show him how to touch me to turn me on but he either isn't listening or doesn't want to put that much work into it. Sometimes, I think that he feels I should be turned on all the time just by being near him, that he shouldn't have to work at it for longer than a couple of minutes. In the past, when I tried to talk about this he just got defensive and angry, like I'm the first woman who ever talked to him about his technique and what I want. It seems so strange and contradictory in a way that I don't understand since he says he wants sex with me probably more than anything but he doesn't seem open to being told what I want and need for me to want the same thing. I don't get it.

The author of a recent series of books on sexless marriages says that for many women, the "Nike philosophy" works -- "just do it!" As eva_m explains, many women are pleasantly surprised once they get started. But the author of those books never claimed it would work for all women.

Before a marriage counselor, or certainly a sex therapist, would suggest "just doing it" to a woman, I think they would first ask if the woman can pleasure herself and what that experience is like. If a woman is not able to reach orgasm through self-pleasuring alone, or has issues about trying it, and is in therapy because it's not working with her husband either, then it is less likely that "just doing it" is going to work.

Thanks patient. If I look up "nike approach to sexless marriage" will I get the title of this book?

I must say that I have done this in the past and sometimes it worked for me and other times not. I've always been careful not to even attempt it if I thought I might just "lie there and think of England" if you know what I mean. For my part, I don't have problems on my own at all so I know that everything's in "good working order" but where I think my Nike approachs falls down is when I ask for something from my husband and he doesn't respond the way I need him to, like he's not really hearing me. How many different ways can a person explain how to do something? I've tried many and none have worked. While I know I have my own issues to work on (which I am doing as fast as I can in therapy) I think this has contributed hugely to our current situation, which he puts entirely on me.

If I remember correctly, the author wrote "The Sexless Marriage", and more recently, "The Sex-Starved Wife". I've seen the author on various talk shows and she keeps mentioning the "just do it" approach for women. Once you find the books on amazon, you can search on the authors name and get the web site, etc. I think she has the first chapters of some of the books available on the Internet for free.

When you ask him to do something, does he not do it at all, thinking like some men that he should know what's best? Or does he try and it's not exactly the right way? I keep hearing stories about men who think they should know everything and don't like taking instructions.

Thanks for that. I'll see if I can find it.

About asking . . .it's hard to explain. Sometimes, he has just ignored me or told me what he thinks I want, like he knows all about women and what they like. A few times, he has actually tried to do what I've asked but he either gives up after 5 minutes because I'm not having an instant reaction and/or I have to ask him to stop because he's hurting me (and no, I don't think he is intentionally trying to hurt me). Like many women, I really need a lot of time to relax and get things going and although he's said he understands this, his behaviour suggests otherwise, which makes me feel like a failure, like I'm asking for something that "normal" women never ask for. Of course, I do know enough to know that I am normal, that my desire to take our time and be touched in a gentler way doesn't necessarily make me a candidate for sex therapy. After reading some of the postings on the men's board here I wondered if he isn't projecting his own wants onto me/isn't doing to me what he likes himself since he's into the "death grip" hand job and doesn't seem to enjoy anything resembling a "caress." And, yes, he can be one of those men who do not like taking instructions. He says he's open to learning what I want but then gets defensive as if being told how and what to do means he's an idiot and a failure.

Doesn't like anything resembling a caress? Oh boy. Any chance you could get him interested in giving or recieving massage? And then transition it to erotic massage? Or maybe I'm one of a minority of guys who's into a slow buildup of that kind.