His and Her Health

I was just wondering if anyone would have an experience to share to tell me there is hope. I have bounced between pretending there is no problem, being angry, being depressed, and back to pretending. <P>I met my husband when I was 16 - I am 28 now. He is the first and only man I have ever been with sexually. I have NEVER known what it feels like to be aroused or turned on. I suppose now and then I have felt flickers of something, but nothing that stayed for more than a second or two. Oral sex does nothing for me. Mostly when he touches me, there is no special sensation. We have read as much as possible and have tried everything. He is wonderful and our relationship is great. About 6 years ago I read something that said "there would have to be something wrong with you if a vibrator did not cause you to have an orgasm". I don't know if that is medically true or not, but I ran right out and got one, that day I think. Now, I do have orgasms with a vibrator, but I don't get turned on. I know that sounds impossible, but it seems to be just a response. If I put it in the right spot and wait, an orgasm will occur. But nothing happens leading up to it. My heart beat never rises, my body temp and breathing never go up. I think we have been the ones who are keeping Astroglide in business - I have always needed it, since day one and needed to reapply many times.<P>I have learned through the years to get emotional satisfaction out of sex instead of physical. We have sex frequently, just because I don't like it doesn't mean he should go without, right? I do love the intimacy sex provides for us. But I get so tired of never feeling anything. I have no sexual thoughts or feelings, ever.<BR> <BR>I have mentioned this to many doctors over the years, but none felt they could help. My OB/Gyn actually told me there was nothing she could do, before asking me any questions about it. She basically told me it was "all in my head".<P>Can anyone relate or offer any info? I have reached a point that something has to be done and I guess I need to be the one to fix this - I can't rely on my doctor.

You are not alone...there are quite a number of others here and elsewhere that can relate to you.<P>I'll give you a bit of "canned" info that I often give. There are some books you might consider reading and other information that might relate to your situation.<P>I know you've already answered some of these questions...<P>---<BR>If you're asking about FSD issues, we need to know as much of the following as possible.<P><BR>Age? <BR>Pre/Peri/Post Menapause?<BR>Birth Control (Type, length of time you've been taking it etc.)<BR>Any Sexual Abuse?<BR>Children<BR>Medications (Birth-control, Anti-depressants etc)<BR>Spouse/Partner Relationship Health?<BR>History of the FSD issue, pre and post FSD if possible.<BR>What things you've tried.<BR>What you *think* might be the problem.<BR>Blood hormone levels done? Give us the results and norm ranges from the tests. (Make sure you get a full copy of all results and norm ranges.) <P><BR>Also, the first three or four books on this list would be really helpful to you. You should really consider getting them.<P>See this list. <BR>---<BR>I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know about Improving Her Libido, by Judith Reichman - Score, 9/10 <BR>For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life, by Jennifer Berman - Score 8/10 <BR>Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking, by Patricia Love - Score 7/10 <BR>Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships, by David Schnarch - Score 8/10 <BR>Natural Hormone Balance for Women: Look Younger, Feel Stronger, and Live Life with Exuberance by Uzzi Reiss - Score N/A <BR>The Hormone of Desire :the truth about sexuality, menopause, and testosterone by Susan Rako - Score N/A (Older book, Copyright 1996) <BR>---<P>Lastly, we may be able to help you find a good provider/physician. That's frowned on here, so why don't you come to the forum on the fsdinfo website.<P>You'll find a link to the webpage on my profile. To find the profile, click on the link/icon at the top of this post that looks like a head with a question mark - then click on the homepage link.<P>It's hard to speculate on your specific situation, as we don't have much info yet, but there are several possible causes. Your Testosterone levels are one thing that quickly comes to mind. <P>The books listed above (esp the first couple) are very good explaining these things.<P>I've given quite a bit of information. I don't want to overload you. Let me know if there are other questions you have. We are glad to help. (You can email me from the email address on the profile too if you want.)<P>Thanks,<BR>Greg<P>[This message has been edited by distressed_12345 (edited 10 January 2003).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by NEWSHE Moderator]

Hi, I'm 38 had a hysterectomy in '98 (TAH) including ovaries & cervix. I'm not on any birthcontrol, 3 children (1 I gave up for adoption in 1980). I've been with my husband for 5+ years (married for almost 2). He is addicted to sex including porn, magazines, cable (fake) flicks & internet. He always mentions if "that girl has a nice ass" etc... My 1st husband did not know too much about sex...on and off and that was it. I was permiscuous (sp) from age 14-22, then married and it stopped. The last 2 years we were married we did not have sex at all. I divorced and met my now husband in '97 and he showed me all about sex. He is a wonderful lover and gave me my 1st orgasim ever! He moved 3 hours away (job relocation) and would travel 2x a month "home" for a period of 4-7 days at a time. Since he was gone all of the time, he would just pounce on me and I loved it! Me and my kids finally moved in '01 and we are all now living together. Well since then he has told me that he (men) love attention as much as women and told me he wants me to grab, grope, goose, attack him all of the time and especially in public. I have never been that way before...always on the receiving end of things. I've tried to initiate things, but it's just not me and I get sooo nervous just thinking about making the 1st move. I've gained apx 30 lbs in the last year and used that excuse why I'm not aggressive. His response is that he's gained weight too and that I shouldn't feel embarrased or shy because he is my husband. At 1st he was compassionate and waited (b/c I told him to stop asking me all of the time to start things) until I would make the 1st move. I would if I was drunk, but only then. So he did stop for about 6 months and then started back up saying that not bugging didn't work. At one point he told me that if I didn't start showing him attention then he would get it somewhere else...I have busted him chatting on the computer (now I have a boot-up password so he cannot get on) and calling girls & guys (pretending he was bi or gay) on the phone to do phone sex. We were in separate therapies and also couples therapy and at one of our couples sessions I brought a tape recorder and played a little of his phone call to a girl. Well we haven't been back to therapy and he promised never to do that again and so far he hasn't or at least I haven't caught him. Anyway, I do want to say that I have NEVER refused him in any way at any time. I love my husband and love our sex...the big problem now is....he told me that he will NOT initiate any kind of sexual advance at all and he is waiting for me to make the 1st move. Actually to be more specific, he said that I have to "show my<BR>p---- in his face" or nothing! I love it when he performs oral sex, but he wants me to just shove it in his face as he's lying on the bed. The thing that really gets me though is that he'll masterbate every day instead of making love to me. He gets up around 3:30am, goes downstairs, puts in a DVD or watches cable porn and jerks off. Then gets ready for work and leaves (he has to leave around 5am). Even last Sunday, he must have woke up horny...so at 7am he sneaks downstairs, plops in the movie and masterbates then comes back upstairs around 7:25 and goes back to sleep...What's wrong with just waking me up and having sex with me. Well, he requested that I go to the doctor for this..so I did and the doctor changed my hormones to Estratest (I was on premarin and have been on wellbutrin). That didn't do anything, so on my follow-up apt he did blood work (haven't gotten the results back as of today) and now I'm trying testosterone troche since Monday. I would love to attack him like he wants, but I think alot of it has to do with his Ultimatims....I'm sorry if I rambled on and on and I'm not sure if I even made sense, but it did feel better to vent. I would love to talk more about this to anyone who will listen.<P>------------------<BR>LB

You are not rambling - so please don't apologize. I will listen and talk with you. It sounds to me like what you need right now is a good listener so that you can vent out all your feelings. I'm here if you want to talk.

I do not know how to say this delicately, but I think there are more issues here than your needing Estratest etc. You and your husband need to have an open conversation about what is bothering you and he with you.<P>I see manipulation of you by your H all over the place. But that is my opinion. I am not a psychotherapist. There does not seem to be a level playing field here from my perspective.<P>I think you have it figured out when you said "I think it has to do with his Ultimatims". Sounds like a power and control issue here.<p>[This message has been edited by Iam (edited 25 January 2003).]

Thanx for your thoughts...maybe I do just need to vent. Anyway I received my blood results LH = 76 & FSH = 104 and thyroid = 2.4. I have asked to be referred to an OB/GYN who specializes in hormone therapy and also got a list of therapists in my area. The testosterone troche isn't doing anything yet, but the pharmacist said to give it 2-3 months. I've read some information "Estrogen stimulates the production of sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). Since testosterone is carried on this protein, when more SHBG is produced, less testosterone is free or available to act on cells. Thus, supplementary (exogenous) estrogen may actually decrease the availability of free testosterone, potentially causing the symptoms of testosterone deficiency. colleagues found, as expected, the highlest levels of SHBG levels in the oophorectomized (both ovaries removed) women receiving estrogen replacement therapy (ERT). Thus, these women were found to have the lowest levels of free testosterone and had the lowest scores regarding pleasure from intercourse. These investigators suggest that increased SHBG levels as a consequence of ERT may be particularly unfavorable for women in whom androgens after oophorectomy are already low. Further, co-workers suggest that androgens may be a useful supplement to ERT in oophorectomized women" I am guessing that this means if we get too much estrogen replacement therapy that could actually lower our testosterone even more...<P>As far as manipulation goes, yes I do agree that my husband is doing this and I actually think that he believe that if he cuts me off then I will want it even more and will in turn attack him. I don't think he really understands that doing that is making it worse. Maybe deep in my mind I'm making myself not feel sexual to get back at him. But I also believe it has something to do with my hormones. I've never had a total work-up to evaluate my levels and it's been 4.5 years.<P>Enough of me....how is it going with you? What hormones are you on?

I am doing well and I am not on Hormones