His and Her Health

I was tempted to post with a subjectline of "I simply can't enjoy sex" because that's basically the problem.

Short history, I'm in my late 20s and only had sex for the first time earlier this year. Suffice to say, it's was extremely painful and took several tries before my partner could penentrate me properly. Even now, it can still be somewhat painful for him to enter me, even when using lube. Sometimes it feels as though my hymen is splitting again, so the pain doesn't really go away during sex, but other times it's still painful inside, but fades during sex. I must say it is not as bad as it was, and has gradually become easier, but nevertheless it's still something which makes sex all that more uncomfortable for me and makes me feel tense which I know doesn't help.

That's the first part, now here's the rest. Generally, sex for me is just one big bore. I like the idea of sex, but would never say I've been particularly horny for it and often during the act I feel very little. I know my partner is inside me, but it's mostly just numb down there, and everywhere really. Every now and then he'll hit a spot which feels good, but it never lasts very long and never brings me anywhere near to climax. We try all sorts of things, but I feel as though I get hardly any reaction from it at all, no warm sensations, tingles down the spine... nothing (btw, I am taking a guess as to what I'm meant to be feeling, so realistically I don't even really know what is right)

The only time I've come close to orgasim is when he's fingered me, but then that raised a new issue. Clitoral pain. Only a few days ago he began rubbing me, and it was feeling good, but then all of a sudden just as it was starting to get really good I had to pull away. I wouldn't say it was pain necessarily, but it was uncomfortable. I would probably best describe it as, 'if that is what orgasims feel like, I don't want to have one' and it just didn't feel 'right'.

We tried a few more times as my partner felt that perhaps I was psyching myself out of it, but they all had the same conclusion and for hours afterwards my whole clitoral area was highly sensitive. I also felt the need to pee almost straight away and it felt restrained when trying to do so.

So that's my rather large bundle of sexual issues gathered all within the space of six months and I've no idea why they are or how to fix them. I really do want to enjoy sex, not just for me but also for my partner as I'm sure he's starting to feel deflated about not being able to help me to climax.

Any clues?

How about starting with a visit to your Gyn for an exam. The doctor can determine if there is a physical reason you are feeling pain.

Do you masturbate? That's a great place to start. It's hard to know how to help a partner please you if you don't know what pleases you. Sex for One by Betty Dodson is supposed to be a great book on the subject.

Can't really visit a Gyno here without a referral but did go to my GP who basically just said it's all in my head :/

As for masturbating, I've done a bit but I've never been able to get myself the whole way. That and I wouldn't really say any of the sensations I've felt have been amazingly brilliant or make me want more, so I don't even know if what I'm experiencing is actually good or right or what. It just alls seems a bit ho-hum.

Hi Almo,

I concur with the moderator that you should press
for a referral to a gynecologist. "It's all in your head" is basically a wastebasket, throw away comment from a generalist MD who doesn't have the time/interest/knowledge to do a good workup.

That said, there is a lot to explore. You might not know how to relax and be touched in general, even non-sexually. You may be going for sexual touch without even being pleased by touch in your "secondary" erogenous zones, or even in zones thought of as being non-erogenous.

Do you enjoy massages--not sexually, but just as a measure of how you feel about touch?

Most men don't know much about female sexuality. They assume it parallels theirs. It doesn't.

Check out my website, under the "solving problems' page, and see if anything there
fits your family experience. If so, you may be too guarded to enjoy touch. Having difficult experiences in your family of origin creates difficulty with touch and trust.

Write back.

Aline Zoldbrod Ph.D.

Thank you Aline,

It was probably a bit abrupt to say my GP treating my concerns flipantly. I had just returned home and I guess was hoping for a more physical reason for my problem than emotional but now I've had more time to think about it, and try out some of the suggestions here, I can make a more thought out response.

She did ask if I had had any negative sexual experiences in the past which I have, and then referred me to a sexual health therapist.

Most of what you said was true, I had a bad experience when I was 16 that basically made me mistrust men until just last year when I met my partner. Initially I was very jittery in letting him touch me even in just non-sexual ways, but I always have trusted him, it just took a little time to get used to the physical touch. (tbh it took a lot less time than we both thought, it's just this one issue now which I haven't been able to get over)

Now I love his touch, I love just having cuddles, being tickled, kissing and just simple things like running my fingers through his chest hair. I often have to keep reminding myself how far I've come in the space of just one year but there's still this one issue.

I even love the idea of having sex, I can fantasize to the point of arousal and give myself pleasurable feelings, but I just can't bring myself to have an orgasm. I know it's there, it's coming, but I just can't bring myself to keep going and I don't know why. It almost feels like I'm scared, but I don't know why.

I do have problems with relaxing, I always have and with a partner who works away a lot and being in a city where I know few people now has emphasised that. It's caused me some pretty bad insomnia a few months ago, but things are now on the improve, so I guess that could be a factor.

And also, I wouldn't be so sure about men not understanding women's sexuality. My partner might not know exactly what I'm feeling, but he certainly seems to have a better grasp than I do.