His and Her Health

I'm 20 (almost 21), and I only began having sex last year. It was only 1 time, with one partner. A period of time passed, and I am now with my present boyfriend. We've had sex now numerous times, and the past two times, I've begun crying during sex, and sort of trying to hide it, but at the same time not really. This has happened to me before, (when I was a virgen), in intimate situations. It didn't matter who the person was, I never felt entirely comfortable, and all of a sudden something would just click inside of me and I would cry, yet hide it. My boyfriend noticed this crying, and became slightly offended that I wouldn't tell him about it, and asked me numerous questions as to what was happening with me. I have no answers. I have some psychological assumptions: extremely overprotective family, distrust, guilt, etc. But I definitely do not have the answers, and it makes me feel hopeless and lost with myself in not knowing what is going on with me. Please give me some sort of ideas on what is going on with me. I realize that I should be dealing with this sort of scenario with a therapist, but for the time being, I would like some feedback by anyone who has had this happen to them, or someone who is knowlegable in this area. Thank you.

Well, there is the sort of crying during sex where the orgasm is so intense and emotionally overwhelming, that you feel an incredibly pleasurable outpouring from the heart and one of the side effects of this is often tears. If when you cry it is accompanied by intense pleasure and a feeling of emotional release, then it's a good thing, sexually speaking, and once male partners understand this they may actually try for it (as was mentioned in the movie 25th Hour). But it doesn't sound like this is the sort of crying you are experiencing. In your previous intimate relations when you were a virgin, did you have some bad experiences?

Yes, I've read a bit on the internet about crying during very intense orgasms. I for one, have never orgasmed before, so I'm sure that this is not the issue. I wish it was. In my previous relationships..well, I never had any real serious long term relationships. I didn't really pick the right kind of men, but I was never abused in any way. The feelings that wash over me during this are feelings of guilt, being used (the main one), and just sort of a machine for men to receive pleasure from. My partner is very intimate in the sense that he's very caring and soft during sex, but this sort of thing happens regardless of who I am with. I've tried explaining to him that it isn't "him", but he has expressed to me that now he doesn't even feel like touching me, lest I start crying. It hurts very deeply for me to have this problem, and not have much support from my partner. And I really am wanting to get this resolved.

I have a feeling I'm am going to get tarred and feathered for saying this, but if you are not having orgasms and you are feeling you are being used just for a man's pleasure, crying is a perfectly normal and healthy response! I don't think your problem is psychological, I think the problem is physical. I'm not saying you have to orgasm to enjoy sex, but you should at least feel desire and arousal. If you aren't feeling those things, I might chalk it up to the particular guy, but if you've never felt those things, and never orgasmed, I'm thinking it might be something physiological. If I were in your situation, I'd temporarily put the brakes on sexual intimacy and try everything on this board to get a kickstart--get your blood levels checked, try my diet, get a vibrator, read erotica, etc., etc., before you really do end up with a strong sexual aversion that needs therapy to fix.

Thanks for the good advice zaneblue. With masturbating, I feel very strongly turned on, and with my boyfriend as well at times. I've heard that not having orgasms right away is a perfectly normal thing. It takes time to find out what works for your body, and how to make yourself climax. And considering how i've only really had sex.. oh, maybe 7 times, I don't think that I'm well experienced. I really don't know what my problem might be, and I dont really know who to go to talk to about all of this, or what sort of feedback I should give to my boyfriend.

You are quite right, it's perfectly normal for a body to take a while to learn to orgasm. Since you are feeling strong desire when you masturbate, and occasional strong desire with your boyfriend, I think the solution is even easier than something physiological--make sure he turns you on before penetration. Your desire with him shouldn't be occasional, he should be stimulating you manually the way you find most arousing (and orally too) before intercourse. Look at it this way--even a guy would probably burst into tears if a woman tried to give it to him with a strap-on when he wasn't aroused. That doesn't show a need for therapy, it shows a healthy normalcy.<P>So skip the physiological stuff, but if I were you I'd still get a high-powered vibrator like a Hitachi Magic Wand or an Eroscillator just to know what orgasm feels like. And explore what you yourself think is erotic, what turns you on. Men generally have the edge over women in this area; he's probably got six years on you or more. Knowing your own hot buttons helps during actual sex, similar to how practicing scales helps you play a concerto.