His and Her Health

I have a conundrum which one of you kind ladies might be able to help with.

My wife and I are in our early 60’s and quite fit and healthy but now only infrequently indulge in sex.

I was impotent some 9 years ago for 2 years (anxiety drug induced) and my wife has gone through menopause too. Basically, both our sex drives and response to sex have altered.
My wife is far less inclined to indulge and while I’m usually keen; my sensitivity to vaginal stimulation has changed considerably. I’ve changed from someone that battled premature ejaculation for some years to someone that now struggles to achieve orgasm through intercourse.

When we have sex now I don’t enjoy it very much because I have to really concentrate on my orgasm and really go for it to achieve it. I frequently don’t have an orgasm and have to finish myself off by hand. I’m sure that doesn’t help my wife’s self esteem or her feelings for lovemaking either. And even though she has always needed to use her vibrator after sex to achieve orgasm, with my history I can sort of understand why she frequently is reluctant to engage in sex.

I have masturbated regularly throughout my life with the exception of when I was impotent. I really have little trouble having an orgasm now by masturbation.

Ideally, since we both need stronger stimulation for our orgasm’s now I would like to suggest to her that we substitute mutual masturbation for intercourse. I would love that because currently I’m masturbating alone (with my fantasies) but it’s not the same as sharing with your partner. I know she masturbates alone too on occasions.

My problem is that she has always had a very traditional idea of sex. She was never too keen to indulge in oral or anything. She’s also not particularly open when it comes to discussing our problems and becomes quite defensive. After some years of this standoff I’d really like to confront the situation and try at least to share our sexual pleasure a bit. Even if she wasn’t in the mood, I couldn’t imagine anything better than masturbating beside her and have her see and hear my pleasure. If she did the same I would be over the moon.
Do you think I should bring the issue up and discuss it with her or just leave things as they are?

I’d value any input.
Thanks,
MisterT

You should definitely bring the issue up with her. There are different options: books, sex therapist, etc. It is important to talk about these issues.

Yes, discuss it with her. But speak in terms of what you'd like and how much you'd enjoy it. Don't imply there is anything wrong with her for not accomodating you. And give her time to think about it. But certainly you must bring it up. She can't read your mind.

Thanks for your helpful comments
I hope you don't think what I'm about to say deceitful and wrong but I've been monitoring her masturbation for a while unbeknown's to her. Not in the least because I'm threatened by it but because I find it a real turn-on to think she's pleasuring herself on her own.

I suspect though that the problem is more a lack of libido for her (perhaps due to menopause or maybe due to lack of activity?). I moved out of our bedroom 2 weeks ago due to some prostate issues and my using a prostate massage device which I found a tad embarrassing to use in her company.

I've been in the spare room now for about 2 weeks now and she's only used it once in that time (and I'm not even certain she used it then). Contrast that with my almost daily masturbation while I've had privacy and therein lies the problem I think. I would imagine that if she was really missing sex, she would have used the opportunity of privacy at night to use her vibrator frequently.

I just think she doesn't mind if we don't indulge now because her sex drive is so low sexual activity simply isn't on the radar for her. If that is the issue, I'm afraid my request may be met without any enthusiasm at best and disdain at worst.

Is that how she might be thinking?
Thanks
MrT

I think you might be right about her reaction, given her interest and lower sex drive, BUT her LOVE for you and pleasing you may over-ride this, only you know how much She loves to make you happy. At least try to talk with her. YOu dont want to live with regrets , or what could have been. Nomatter your age, we all need something stimulating to look forward to, she may LOVE the intimacy of it all, even if she does not care to get "hers".

How about having sex but don't have an orgasm? Just do it for the pleasure of connection and the pleasure of the journey.

My partner and I take a week every few months to have lots of sex but no orgasms. It changes EVERYTHING.

Your activity seems to revolve around :"I measure her inactivty; I fear my request may be met;I found a prostate device a tad embarrassing and moved out of our togetherness physically into a second bedroom;
etc. you appear to me to be "thinking, fearing, reacting, distanceing your self tithout truely being honest with yourself or her; maybe you need s therapist you are comfortable with to get intouch with your real feel, wish and desire, and one who will see you both to bring your wish and desire, will, her wish and desire will, out into the open into the possibilities of (or not) mutual wish, desire, will, decision responsibility in a mutually self constructive enconter of relationship, or maybe the two of you can do that with openness and honesty and mutual self respect and self esteem. At present you seem to be living in fear, insecurity, and endless connundrums without self constructive mutually self constructive encounter. Maybe you need a little help to get from where you really are, to mutually where you and y'all mutually wish will decision responsible to be? To me your seeming fear of intimacy and settling to live in connundrums needs to be self constructively and mutual wish will encountered. If you cannot do that on your own, there need be no shame etc. to seek the available professional help to achieve your mutual wish, etc.. is my recomendation.