His and Her Health

I know it sounds like a dumb question. But, as I walk around depressed and contemplating ending my marriage over the lack of sexual satisfaction, I keep asking myself Why is it so important? Why isn't masturbatory satisfaction enough? I please myself and do a darn good job at it, why is that not enough? I know the other part of sex is about feeling loved and the physical contact. But I know my husband loves me. He shows me in other ways outside of the bedroom and he's happy to cuddle, which should satisfy the need for non-specific physical contact. Why, then, am I seriously willing to risk my marriage over the fact that I don't feel much sexual pleasure and no satisfaction from sex with my husband?

I know this is philosophical ... but what do you think?

This is not a dumb question – just a hard one. I too married a “goodâ€Â

I feel that I will be in your shows in another 15 years into this marriage (have only been married for 5). My husband is also a "good guy" who is more than happy to get up and get me a glass of water when I'm thirsty, who does chores and engages in all aspects of child care equally. He is a provider and is a caring person and a great friend. It is that amazing friendship that made me marry him. I thought we could work on the sex, we could fix it (esp since he was on meds that caused him problems back then). I thought that my attraction for him would grow.

But that's not how it works, is it? I'm still young enough to move on ... but I suppose I fear that the choice is really this good guy or not guy (or a great lover who's a A-hole in every other way). That's the hard part ... taking the plunge into an unknown when the known is at least tolerable (for now).

I guess because there are so many great things about him and our relationship, I try so hard to convince myself that sex is not important, that is doesn't matter. I mean we have young children for pete's sake. Would I break apart their family for the sake of a chance at sexual gratification? When I phrase it that way to myself, it seems to selfish and superficial.

Whaaaa. Frustration.

I can definitely relate to your situation and understand the feelings of guilt. I will say though that if we had tried harder earlier in our marriage and established better communication I think we would be in a much better place. 20 years ago there wasn’t the internet, support groups, and sex toys shipped discreetly to your doorstep that there are now that allow couples to explore and enjoy each other. I settled for a boring sex life because I did not know what I was missing. After many years of this along with the natural decline of passion in many relationships and increase in responsibilities it is very difficult to spice it up but now that I do know how to pleasure myself and am trying to communicate my needs to my husband I am hopeful. I don’t think we would ever have a wild and passionate sex life but I do think that we could have a close and pleasurable one. So, I encourage you to try everything you can think of before deciding if this is a deal breaker for your marriage. If your partner is loving and willing to pursue a more satisfying sex life then maybe you can have an enjoyable one even if it is not hang off the ceiling kind passion.

I'm in the same boat! I have not found much on the topic of the GUY being the one to not want sex... and most of the info I have found (mostly online - Google is my greatest resource) has been from women speculating on why they aren't interested. He's cheating. He's gay. I'm fat and ugly. He thinks I'm his mother. Well... speculating gets you nothing but a bruised forehead from beating your head against the wall.

I feel like talking about it is a betrayal of his trust. But I need to vent. It's been coming out in terrible ways... I'm very critical of him and I've been 'accidentally' telling people who I probably shouldn't.

The other day I went to the library looking for a book that I thought was called 365 Night of Intimacy that I heard about on the Oprah show. It was a couple who decided to have sex every night to rekindle the passion and they kept a sort of journal of the experience and made it into a book. Well searching with the keyword of "intimacy" I found this book called "He's Just Not Up For it Anymore Why Men Stop Having Sex and What you can do About it" By Bob Berkowitz Ph.D. and Susan Yager-Berkowitz. I ordered it in right away! This is my situation! My man doesn't seem very interested in sex! (with me!)

It's not a definitive answer or one major reason why men are disinterested in their leading ladies. It's more of an interpretation of an online survey that included follow-up interviews. It is interesting to see how men's and women's reasons and explanation differ. The book stresses communication. You can't know what he's thinking if you don't ask... and it can't get better if he doesn't tell you. But it can also be a very complex recipe of fear and anger amongst other physical and psychological problems.

I'm 28 and my man is 43. We're not married and we have no children. We both work but we have tons of free time without commitments or responsibilities. We met online about 4.5 years ago and met in person about 2 years ago when he flew to Canada from Australia. I was absolutely devastated that we didn't have honeymoon sex. I fully expected to be sore and giddy - stay in bed for a week and hardly get out except to slip to the bathroom or kitchen. I was severely disappointed.

The passion didn't dwindle. It was never there.

I would absolutely bawl my eyes out feeling so undesired. He would tell me it's not my fault, he doesn't understand it, he'll work on it, it's his problem... and promise that it'll get better. We started out only having sex weekly and it was mediocre - nothing worth waiting all that time for.
We were apart for 5 months and I stupidly expected that time apart would increase the desire. We sent each other naughty pictures and videos which is something we hadn't done before we met. Then again we were apart for another month while I was preparing to make the big move to Australia. I was apprehensive - I didn't want to uproot my entire life for the same routine to continue. I was promised things would be better when I arrived. I was promised all sorts of carnal delights. Once again I was disappointed.

It's not only that he doesn't initiate, or when he does it's unspontaneous (he asked me if I want to go to the bedroom. Or he starts asking me what I think about when I masturbate, or past experiences, which is not foreplay for me at all.) It's also that when I try to come onto him he seems irritated, annoyed, bothered, too busy. He'll tell me he's too tired, too full, too drunk, or he just masturbated.
He tells me I don't come on to him the way he likes and I'm at a complete loss. I've never found it difficult to start an encounter with anyone else - it seems to happen so naturally that you don't even know who initiated it.

Now we're living together and it's monthly, at the most. He seems to not care about my pleasure at all. I don't like his favourite position (no stimulation for me) the oral isn't the best but he doesn't like to be told what to do. I don't even like how he massages me! No wonder he thinks I'm hard to please... he doesn't listen to what I want.
Most of the time when we have sex he finishes manually and wants me to as well. He lays beside me with his eyes closed. I might as well not even be there. I'd rather not do it at all if it's going to have such low quality.

We're best friends, we're completely open with each other, we're attracted to each other, but being intimate doesn't come naturally to him and I'm not the first longterm girlfriend he's experienced the problem with. It's not ED, he's not gay, he's not cheating. But he is currently in counselling for anxiety. This is what he (and therefore I) am currently attributing it to. We'd like it to be better but we're lacking the tools to work on it.

I have had many partners. I have had great sex. I know how to masturbate. I like porn and don't mind him looking at it (I understand it's easier sometimes to not feel the pressure of a real interaction.) I'm not ashamed of my body. I'm not afraid to ask for what I want (even though that runs the risk of defencive reactions and may put him off further i.e. It's not worth the hassle, he feels I'm difficult to please.)

I do fantasize about having one-night-stands or leaving him for someone who will *****my brains out, but as previously mentioned... is it worth trading a great guy who won't *****for an asshole who will?

Feeling undesired has been crushing for me. Making me feel sexless, unwomanly, unfeminine, useless, unneeded. But it's also taught me not to place so much importance on the external validation. I've moved past the self-pity and my self-esteem has grown without anyone else watering it. I know I'm beautiful and I would easily find another partner if I had to. But I'm not ready to give up. I have a LOT of hope and patience. I just hope I'm not being unwise in not knowing the difference between what I can and cannot change.

I want to be devoured. If I can coax that from this man I will be the happiest woman on earth.

<small>[ 04-04-2009, 11:26 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

Sounds like you could benefit from couples counselling. Also see if you can get him to get blood work done to check his testosterone levels. Counselling may be your best bet.