His and Her Health

I’d like to start a discussion about the emotional connection between partners who, for whatever reason, do not have much of a sex life. I have read a number of notes from people who become emotionally distant when they are not having sex on a regular basis with their partner.

For those people who are going through this but have been able to keep that bond……how do you do it?

A very good idea. I hope posters will take this opportunity to add their stories to this thread.

I've always been high drive, and my wife has been low (zero) drive for some years now. What's kept us together is the ability to keep the sexual disagreement from spilling out into other areas of our life. As much as people like to combine love and sex, in our situation it's also important to realize that they are not the same thing. Lack of sexual interest does not equal lack of love.

But I would still say that it affects our "intimacy" to some degree. We hug, but we don't snuggle. There are no physical expectations. So that does lead to less interest in spending a lot of time together. It's a lot like a loving brother-sister relationship, as much as I hate to admit it (easier when it's anonymous!).

So, I would say it's made us a little more emotionally distant than we would otherwise be. But on the other hand, we may still be closer emotionally than some couples who have sex.

Now, what do I do with my sexual energy? Wow. All I can say is managing a high sexual desire over a long period of time when there is no socially acceptable way to have sex with another person is an entirely different discussion.

Patient, thank you. Your thoughts are appreciated but I really don’t want to have a ‘brother-sister’ relationship. I would like to have as close to a normal marriage as we can with this one exception. I, and a lot of other people who read these blogs, would like to know how to keep that spark while not being able to participate in other things.

I find that I get cranky more often than I should without the physical but it is the emotional connection that I miss more. We have long talks and I give back rubs. That is our quick fix for the emotional. I would like more suggestions…..and I would hope that others could benefit from suggestions as well.

Hello, we are an older couple past our 70s and intercourse is not always on the menu . If I am sore and achy from arthritis or lifting the laundry basket or grandkids I just cant get into sex. Hubby says relax and gives me a wonderful muscle relaxing massage and a couple of Advils.LOL. He gets back scratches and he can hold his favorite parts of me all night if he wants to. We do feel very close and intimate doing that .I am able to give him oral sex from time to time which delights him and makes us feel close and sexy.

I should have mentioned that I very much want to have a sexual relationship. I am not at all satisfied with my brother-sister relationship. But it is the best I can do without divorcing because my wife is just as adamantly opposed to having a sexual relationship, but she also does not want to get a divorce.

So, to clarify, we are at a standoff in our strong disagreement on this issue, but we have resolved not to let this disagreement ruin other aspects of our marriage.

I'm probably the only one but I'm a little confused here, husbandandwife. Are you saying that the emotional connection and sex are so interconnected that, without sex, you lose the emotional connection or couples grow distant?

For my part, I think the two (sex and emotional connection - which I call intimacy) are both important parts of a loving, mutually respectful, and satisfying adult relationship but they are not the same thing and are therefore not entirely dependent on eachother. So, for instance, I could have sex with my spouse but not be intimate with him or we could be intimate but not have sex. The ultimate goal for me is to have both going on since I believe that the most enjoyable sex comes from spending time being intimate/connecting emotionally with my husband. Intimacy to me doesn't necessarily mean any physical contact such massage, hugging, etc. Our intimacy comes from spending time together, sharing, and communicating. Life is about choices for me and when my husband chooses to spend his valuable time with me and go for a walk in the woods rather than stain the deck, that sets us up for connecting emotionally. Sex often naturally follows from having that kind of time together. We've been together a few years but are really only learning the importance of some of these things now. Due to all sorts of reasons - some personal and individual and others more ordinary (life, family, work committments) - we're not very expert at doing the intimacy side of the relationship but we're working at it. The more we work at it, the better our physical relationship. It's not perfect but I think we're getting somewhere.

Am I saying that without sex the emotional connection that a couple has is lost and that they grow distant? Not necessarily, but let me explain.

First of all let’s not use the word intimacy to describe what I am talking about. Intimacy is too broad a word. It can mean anything from holding hands to sex its self. If we want to get technical about the ‘emotional connection’ that I am talking about we would need to discuss dopamine and prolactin levels. A little more in depth than we should get in this discussion. When I talk about the ‘emotional connection’ I am describing the bond that you have during sex that makes you feel like you have never been closer to that person. Some describe it as the feeling that you are one.

If you do not have this in a relationship do you grow distant? Not necessarily. It all depends on how you deal with the lack of sex. Most people do. Some people, as patient described, are able to deal with it very well and grow closer in other aspects of their lives.

Yes, I am in fact saying that it is harder to have a good relationship with your spouse without sex. I am also saying that the emotional connection that you have during sex is different than that of just holding hands or talking. However, these are the things that I am getting after…the back rubs the long walks… what do other people do to cope with the lack of sex?

How do people cope with the lack of sex? That could be interpreted a little differently from your original question: how do you cope with the lack of sex with your partner?

As for coping with the lack of sex, I didn't say I wasn't having sex. I'm just not having it with my partner.

So I guess your question is really more of how to maintain a close bond that does not include sex, not how do you cope with the unfulfilled sex drive itself.

Thanks, patient, I think I understand the question better now. To answer it, I think it needs to be placed in context. After all, is there no sex in the marriage because of a physical or medical problem? is a different question than is there no sex in the marriage because one partner does not want sexual contact for psychological and/or emotional reasons? If this last is the reason for no sex, then the bond can only be maintained - in my opinion - by seeking professional assistance to understand what's going on and either repair whatever the emotional issues are or to walk away because these issues cannot be resolved. This is just my opinion though, which some people might find harsh, but I think that if a couple has an emotional connection to begin with (never mind the sexual expression of that connection for the moment) then each partner will be more than willing to work on themselves (with therapy, for example) to better themselves and their marriage. We work on our physical bodies all the time, trying to stay in decent shape so we look attractive to our partners. Why shouldn't we work on our emotional/psychological selves in the same way as we work on our physical selves (through dieting, exercise, for eg)?