His and Her Health

Hubby has always had a higher sex drive than I do. Lately though I have none. I try to subscribe to the belief that if I just willingly give into it I'll eventually enjoy it, and that used to be the case. However more and more I don't even enjoy it and definitely don't orgasm. Our lives are busy- he works full time and I am a SAHM to 6 kids (ages 2-17). I can't say that things have been any more crazy or busy than they were a year or two or five ago though. In fact, he's realized in the past year that he needs to help out more and be more supportive emotionally. He helps out with the little ones when he gets home from work, or will offer to go to the store for me, etc. Yet, I just can not get interested in sex and am almost repulsed by him touching me.

Part of it I know is that I feel like the expectation is always there. If I respond to him kissing me at all, he'll expect sex that night. If I react to his comment about how I look good, he takes that as a signal to go further and make an inuendo or something of the sort. I truly feel like there is always some sort of sexual undertone to our relationship and it's exhausting to me. I can't just enjoy being with him or cuddling, or getting a massage, or kissing him because I fear and expect he's going to take it to mean "sex". THere are times when I'm tired of him hounding me and keeping me up all night trying to argue about it, so I just give in and get it done quickly. Naturally, that makes me desire it less. Of course, all of this feeds off of and into the fact that I'm just not interested. It's a cycle.

HELP! :confused:

I have a suggestion.

Plan ahead. Make a date. Make an agreement that you'll have sex on Friday but NOT on Thursday, for example. If you both know that Thursday is off, you can relax and enjoy natural affection.

It ends the arguments, the hounding, the expectations. On his side, he can relax knowing Friday will be a yes, a sure thing. Right now, he can't help looking for every opportunity because he doesn't know when the next one will be. On your side you can build some anticipation. Maybe read some erotica, take a bath etc. and not worry that every kiss or cuddle is the start of a fight.

Spontaneity is overrated. Really. Try it.

Good advice, at least for the husband. Letting him know when it will be a sure thing lessens the feeling that he has to keep looking for every opportunity, or trying to turn every moment into an opportunity! I know, I've been the man in this situation. But I would personally find it tough if it was only Friday, even if it was every Friday.

It might work for her too, assuming there's enough drive left to make it pleasurable that day. But if she's like my wife, having it at a set time would only raise her dread about the upcoming day when she has to get it all together for me, with no escape.

And so the problem with the set time can be that if the partner with the lesser drive really has a good excuse that night, it can really drive the partner nutty when he's been waiting all week.

I hate to bring up that well used suggestion but,why don't you go for couples counseling. You can discuss with a trained counselor your expectations in your marriage, including how you feel that any attempt at intimacy , hugging ,kissing, touching will lead to intercourse and you just want hugging, kissing and touching.

Yes, counseling is an excellent idea. Usually it's the lower-drive person who doesn't want to go to counseling. But to your credit, you're online here and discussing it.

This is a very difficult problem for a couple to solve on their own. I know, I've been there in my marriage. It's difficult to keep any discussion about sex and frequency from escalating into accusations about "not caring" and "wanting only sex", as each of you thinks the other doesn't care about his/her needs.

on behalf of the handful of women in the world who have husbands with severe lack of desire, if i were you, i would advice you to just be grateful!

i'm not trying to undermine or discount the clear exhaustion and stress in your life - for which i deeply sympathise and agree that a helping hand from your husband and a serious discussion are necessary to his sensitivity towards you...

but sometimes you gotta step back and think about all the "little things" in life that you do have and be grateful for it - because so often we forget to think about what life would be like if it suddenly disappeared .... if your husband stopped making advances at you ... its possible (i dont want to be presumptious) that it might drive you crazy as well, but in the other way...

to be desired by your husband .... what a precious gift ... and its not so small either ... dont take it for granted, trust me ... what wouldn't kill right now to be in your place ....

xx

Yes, eggplantsprout, I'd love it if my wife could see my sexual desire for her as a precious gift. What a fantasy that is! Reality is something else. As she put it, "I'm sick and tired of having to put up with your constant need for sex".

When you're the one with low or nonexistent sexual desire, it's very difficult to be grateful for your partner's high sex drive. The person with the nonexistent sex drive eventually finds it perplexing to even understand the point of sex, and why his/her partner wants it ALL the time (as they see it). Like my wife would say, "Again? We just did it two days ago!" Well, yeah, two days is a long wait in my book.