His and Her Health

I had originally posted this in the mens health side, and I'm now wondering if it was the right place for it. I hope its ok I put it there also, as I'm somewhat desperate for feedback.
Thanks in advance.


Here it goes.

I have been married for 8 years now, and for 6 of those, there has been pretty much NO sex! BIG problem for me, and I don't understand at all. For the first 2 years, I truly went about it the wrong way in where I would fight, scream, and throw tantrums basically because I didn't know why. After a horrible 2 years, I decided to leave him alone. At the time I thought that if I did, he would come to me eventually. I loved him so so much, and I didn't want to loose him, so I thought if I stopped asking or trying, he'd come to me.I figured the fighting was no good for sure. Well.............. 2 years went by and NOTHING. I finally cracked and talked to him after 2 years and he promised to try and figure things out ect... WE had sex twice and now its another year and a half later.

What have I done? Lets see, I have tried to go to counseling, and he went once, didn't like it. Ive tried letters as to no embarrass him or come on to strong. I thought in letters we could communicate. Nothing. Ive talked to him, pleaded with him.

I'm pretty sure he loves me very much. Why else would he support me if he didn't. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he takes care of us all. You can tell he likes coming home and being here ( he works away ) but hes just not interested in sex. He told me once he didn't think it was a big deal. That he didn't really like it. He felt people put too much emphasis on it, and that he didn't see it as something that was needed or wanted. UGHH! When we did have sex, it wasn't all that great to be honest. At the time I thought it was just something that would come in time. Even there I gave suggestions and wrote it down in letters.

I'm sorry if this is confusing, I'm all over the place here. But how do I tell a man how hurt and angry I am at this when he sees sex as something that isn't important. Now, its more angry then hurt. How can he not see what that did to me. I cried all the time. Felt to ugly to have sex with ect...
ughh.................. So, any ideas, help would be appreciated.

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CC

diane74,did you know he had no libido or interest in sex before you got married? It was very deceptive of him if he did not tell you how he felt about sex before you married. Sex is very important to a happy ,loving and mutually gratifying relationship. How long do you want to go on this way?.You may have to give him an ultimatum to either go back to counselling or see a doctor for any physical reason for his lack of desire.

No, he didn't say anything, and although we did have sex regularly in the first 2 years, if I take an honest look back we were steady but not often. The ultimatum part, I've done that, it doesn't go over very well and I know that's where I'm headed again. But how do explain to man that sex IS important when I really do think he honestly doesn't think it is. For instance. At this very moment I know if someone went up to him and asked him how his marriage is, he'd say it was GREAT! Were best friends. How crazy is that. I know he'd go on like this forever if I let it. But I know I can't, and when I'm not angry or hurt, I feel sorry for him.

It is truley remarkable that there are actually women out there who are sex starved. I feel for you. Heck, I feel with you (trust me). It amazes me that somehow by some weird twist of fate that it seems we end up with people we love, but have very different sexual needs. Just once I wish... well anyway...

To get back to the point - as a guy - I have had this same issue with my wife of 10 years. It got to the point where we had sex maybe once or twice a month - maybe, IF I complained, maybe 3 times. And I am a big fan of all kinds of sex, in fact, intercourse to me is more of "icing on a desert cake after a full meal" - everything else, from oral to you-name-it gets me "going" far faster and better and get horney very easily.

Unfortunetly, what people (counselers, posters on this forum, etc...) will tell you generally does NOT apply to men. Granted I am one man, but I can tell you with much certainty that what is discribed here really only works with women. I hope this does not sound sexists - it really is not meant that way.

What I mean is - men do NOT want to talk about sex - especially to anyone other than our significant other or our right hands . I am sorry, but we don't. Yes, we may have issues, but these will be buried so deep, by the time they come up, well, it will be far too late.

What worked (more or less so far) with me was the talking, complaining, turning it around on her physcological battle type of stuff. That seems to work on women. I have yet to see it work on men, I don't care how horney or not they are.

Fortunetly, with men - it is normally quite simple to find out what is going on.

I am going to suggest you try something to figure it out. Only a suggestion...

a) It MAY be an issue with him from his past in either a bad encounter, some type of sexual assult, or some change in his body he is worried about. This one we will tackle last, cause it is the hardest, but is the most likely - so it is listed first.

b) He is having an affair. Could be real, could be "virtual", i.e. internet, could be many things. This one is less likely, but harder to prove. We will go through later why it is better to attack this one on the offense, rather than defensivly trying to "catch" him.

c) It is possible his labido is low in general. Also, it could be his attraction for you could be more "sisterly" and thus tougher for him to get past this. This one is least likely unfortunetly, but is rather easy to fix if it is. This pne is the easiest to go through first. When you are "in the mood", what do you do? Am curious, as from what I know, read and hear from guys, 9 times out of 10, the woman waits until they are both in bed, in that boring bedroom, maybe not even naked, and goes right for the "happy" spots on a guy - chest, nipples, pe-is, etc. If this is what you are doing, or anything even close to this - you must stop right away. No guy I have ever met has ever been turned on more than when they were not expecting it or less than when are in the bedroom at exactly 10pm. You want to get him going? When was the last time you walked through the room he was watching TV in naked - or close to naked? Kids? No excuse - get a babysitter. Take the offense position on this one. Get a manicure and pedicure and have them (or do it yourself) paint red or hot pink. Get sexy, think sexy, then... well use your imagination Yet again, no guy I have ever met have ever, EVER rejected their wife or girlfriend who went on the offense in any other location other than the bedroom. Would love to hear from anyone who has. If they have, then I would worry about b) or a) above.

Quickly, c) does not work - find out his history and such and try to rule out a). I knew a guy who would not have sex with his girlfriend "until they got married" because he was worried about being uncircumsized and her seeing him. I too am uncircumsized and am very proud of it, but many people are not. Mayve he has been abused early in life. Never know.... He HAS to be able to trust you 100% - and I do not mean as a "friend". I mean trust you with his most personal info to maybe get at what is wrong.

I will not go into b) (possible affair) right now. That one requires it's own post, so let's just rule that out until all other options are exausted. Good luck.


Wild1

When my wife told me something similar and brushed aside my wanting to talk about it, I suggested to her that if she didn't think it was a big deal, then would she also think it's not a big deal if I do it with another woman?! I told her to make up her mind -- either sex is a big deal, or it's not. If it's not a big deal, then let me have sex with a lover.

This point might wake your husband up a little and make him realize that even though he's not interested in having sex, it's still a big deal!

Well, that's the problem -- of course he's not going to think it's needed if he doesn't want it. Stand your ground and point out that in that case, you're not compatible with him and that's a problem. Don't let him define for you what is needed or not -- let him know that's just HIS opinion, and you don't share it.

Exactly. Same as my experience. When your partner isn't into it, it's not very good. It's no fun having sex with someoen who's doing it as a chore, and would like it to be over with quickly. They have no imagination, and you can't feel their desire for you at all.

Yep! I made the same wrong assumption for years. The problem is, the assumption is that everyone will tend to some kind of an average and normal sexual level given enough time. And that is OFTEN not what happens. You have to take charge of the problem.

It's hard for him to see it from your point of view because he doesn't feel a need. So, just like me wife, as long as you don't complain, he feels no need, and he doesn't feel your need, and he goes merrily along thinking everything is OK, and that you've thankfully forgotten all about your silly and unecessary need.

I would tell him to go to counseling with you. And if he doesn't want to go, you should tell him that you'll go alone, and that it's unfortunate that the counselor won't hear his side of the story. He'll realize that you're going to be talking about him, and that might prompt him to join you.

I think it's important to determine the cause for this. I suggest that you encourage him to go to his doctor to get his testosterone, prolactin, and thyroid hormone levels drawn. A deficiency in any of the above can cause low libido. If all of his labs are normal, you should consider psychiatric/psychological evaluation not therapy. Past sexual history and family history can play a significant role in adult sexuality. There are also psychiatric conditions such as schizoid personality disorder where individuals are high functioning but can't stand any close intimacy or emotional intimacy (talking about emotions and feelings). They do not desire or enjoy close relationships, even with family members and tend to choose solitary jobs and activities. Does your husband take pleasure in few activities? Does he have few close friends, except you or his first-degree relatives? Is he aloof at times and does he show little emotion during emotionally charged moments? If so, he may very well have a psychological or personality disorder at the root of the problem. It's hard to tell what's going on, but it's not normal. The fact that he is appropriate in all other areas of his life as a man suggests that there may be a physiolgic cause. That would be the best case senario because there's treatment.

Diane74. I really feel for you cause I'm going through the same thing with my husband. Amazing how unattractive they can make you feel. I did a lot of reading. Finally convinced myself it has nothing to do with me. My husband is on a 6 to 8 week schedule and if I happen to please him orally, I have to wait another 6 to 8 weeks. He says he talked about it with his Dr. Did all the medical tests and says everything came out fine. He keeps buying sex toys for me (I guess that's his way of telling me to take care of myself????). He keeps buying me shoes and sexy outfits and expects me to dress up every time. It's like I'm not enough for him.

I really think his weight has a lot to do with it. He is 14 years older than I am and since we married 8 years ago, went from a size 36 to a size 44 and growing.

He thinks I put may too much emphasis on sex. He thinks I'm not normal.

I went down on him one night around 2am. After it was over he told me NEVER to do that again. I was crushed. It's like I had hurt him or something. I've mentioned counselling and he refuses says he doesn't have a problem.

I'm at a loss too. I love him but seriously don't know how much longer I can last in a sexless marriage.

Wild1. I always parade naked in the house and the only thing I get is.. "Could you put some clothes on". So maybe he's not into me? and I'm by no means overweight. Although Hollywood would consider a size 6 overweight, at age 45 I think it's a healthy weight.

We don't have any kids and when he decides it's time for us to have sex, he'll come up to me and say "Do you want to have sex?" I'll meet you in the bedroom. It's always in the bedroom. At Xmas last year, I wore a sexy holiday outfit with the little red hat got up on the kitchen counter and called him to come downstairs to help me with something (he's always in his office on his computer). When he saw me, he was totally into it but then suggested we go to the bedroom so I did everything in my power to have him get out of his bedroom rut and couldn't. I finally lost it and that was the end of that.

I have a flirting thing going on with someone I see on a daily basis and I can't tell you how good I feel. Nothing sexual just an attraction. We rearrange our schedules so that we can spend more time together (of course our time together is limited to our train ride, going back home after a work day in the city). Wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

My DH is on antipshchotics and antidepressiants and sex is also the last thing on his mind, but I notice that he has no problem saving internet porn on our computer. This really hurts and I feel like he is taking me for granted. I really want an affair but I have 3 kids and don't want to hurt them just because I am hurting. He says that he will talk to his doc about changing meds, but he is very worried about going back into the hospital. Sometimes he offers to have sex with me, but I know he is not interested and I don't want charity sex.I've had that from him once and I never want to repeat that again. I felt so dirty afterwards since I could feel his disinterest in me. Help!

I didn't see it mentioned above, but the fact he said he "didn't think it was a big deal", reminds me of the term asexual. There is no 100% true definition to being asexual, it just pretty much means one who has no interest in sex and doesn't think it's important in maintaining a healthy relationship. It can effect both men and women whether they are homosexual or straight.

i love it on here when a wife complains about not getting enough sex. lot's of advice is given and ofered. but not her fault.
but let a man come on and complain about not getting enough sex from his wife and he's expecting too much. he's a sex maniac. etc. and more etc.

Ouch! Ohdy, I think in a lot of cases you are so right.

Diane74,
Have you ever heard of asexuality? It's a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality or homosexuality, but its when an individual does not experience sexual attraction. There is a really good description of it on Wikipedia if you look it up. You should really look at the last section of it under the heading "Relationships". It really sounds like that may be what's going on with your husband.

iujess84