His and Her Health

I'm a married woman in my mid 40's due for my annual exam, including breast and pelvic exam, and I have seen the same ob/gyn for the past 6 years or so. My husband has always accompanied me to my exams and he has always been present in the exam room during all parts of my exam. Usually, he has sat in a chair next to the desk in the exam room. I appreciate my husband's presence, and my ob/gyn has never had a problem w/ my husband being present either.

The exam room is comfortably large (ie: large enough), and in addition to my husband, my ob/gyn always has a female chaperone or female med student present when he does my pelvic exam.

This year, my husband would like to ask my ob/gyn if he (my husband) could observe my pelvic exam from the foot end of the exam table, instead of sitting by the desk. I don't mind if my husband watches. However, we don't want to seem weird, and my husband doesn't want to interfere with my exam.

Since there is plenty of room in the exam room, do you think there would be any problem if my husband were to ask my ob/gyn to watch my pelvic exam from the foot end of the exam table? If you were my ob/gyn, would you find this request unusual, or would there be any reason you wouldn't allow my husband to watch?

I'm just trying to get a feeling for whether or not my husband should even ask to watch, and since you are an ob/gyn it would be interesting to get your feelings on how my ob/gyn might feel about such a request.

Also, how common (or uncommon) is it for a husband or significant other to attend their partners annual / routine gyn exam? My husband and I aren't sure if he is the only person who attends a woman's annual exam (or if he is in the minority or majority)?

Hope you can provide some insight. Thank you much.

My husband would sit with me in the waiting room outside the office if I INSISTED on it but only under protest. Seeing my husband does this type of physical on me quite often, I doubt he would be interested. Maybe yours wants a closer look.....or is just interested in what the doctor is doing.....Take care, Caroline

In over 30 years together, my husband has never accompanied me on any exam that didn't involve the imminent arrival of an infant. Is he concerned that you or the doctor might behave inappropriately if he were not there? If he's going to ask the doctor if he can watch, he needs to be clear on why.

If the idea of watching arouses him, I would tend to think it's not appropriate. He should not sexualize a nonsexual situation and he shouldn't involve other people in his fantasies. If I were the doctor I would not want to be made a party to the game.

If he's thinking about going to med school to become a doctor himself, then he may have a professional interest, in which case he should go ahead and ask.

If he's afraid the doctor might be touching you inappropriately, then I think he may be irrationally jealous and insecure. His presence in the room (and that of a female assistant) should be more than enough to assure anyone that no monkey business is going on. If I were the doctor and suspected this reason, it would make me very nervous. I might even refuse to do the exam out of fear that an ordinary procedure might be misconstrued and I'd become the victim of an unfounded accusation or possibly an attack. (I'm not saying your husband is violent, I'm just trying to imagine what someone might think if they didn't know. The world is full of crazy people)

In any case, I am not a doctor. While it seems strange to me, I would guess you are not the first person to bring her husband along.

Eva: I saw the same red flag you did on this only you saild what I was thinking much better. Just sitting on a chair if he had to is passable but being at the end and watching him do what a doctor does is not right....I agree with you on this.

WHY does your husband want to watch? You left this part out. I can think of some good reasons why a woman might want her husband present in the exam room, but I can't think of any good reason why the husband would need to watch the exam from that angle. It certainly is an odd request, and even if there is nothing sexual about it, i.e., if it's just for his own interest, that's not a good enough reason in my opinion. No matter how innocuous his reason is, it would still make the professionals feel uncomfortable simply because it is an odd request. Did I mention already that it's an odd request? So, in answer to your question, yes, you would seem weird and if I were you I wouldn't even ask. Just my personal opinion.

Whoa, apply brakes, back up, clarifying info, etc.

1st, My Ob/gyn and I have a very good PROFESSIONAL relationship, and my husband knows this. My husband is not jealous of my Ob/gyn, and neither I nor my husband think my Ob/gyn is anything but professional, and neither of us would EVER think my Ob/gyn is acting inappropriately with me.

My husband and I also feel that my Ob/gyn is comfortable with my husband in the room.

My husband is not "aroused" by what my Ob/gyn is doing, but my husband is curious as to what test is being done, what is being examined, felt for, etc. . . My husband is NOT asking that my Ob/gyn explain in DETAIL everything, and my husband does NOT want to be in the Ob/gyn's way - If practical, my husband would simply like to stand near the foot of the exam table, OFF TO THE SIDE - not directly behind or over the shoulder of my Ob/gyn

Getting the "raised eyebrow" responses above, I am somewhat sorry I even asked the question - you are reading too much into the question.

If I only would have known: in your first reply you said "Seeing my husband does this type of physical on me quite often, I doubt he would be interested" - I don't want to sound dumb or be asking for too much info, but what are you getting at? Are you saying your husband is your Ob/gyn? - I ask cautiously, and if this is a "too much info" type question, rather than blast me, please ignore the question.

Thanks.

I am sorry but I find it quite unusual that a husband would want to be in the office of a OB-GYN. My husband has had a lot of physicals in the last few years and never once have I had any interest in them. I just plain think I would feel more uncomfortable with him in the room while having them and do not think it is the place for him. It is my intimate time with my doctor to talk about anything on my mind sexually or anything else. I talk more freely without him in the room.

As far as my husband doing a physical on me. You better believe it. No, he is not a doctor but I am here to be checked out any time that he wants it. If you were scared to see the doctor without him there then it is a different story. I think it is more than highly unusual to want to be at the bottom of the table watching him perform. Maybe he is getting his cookies off watching what is going on. I just plain think it is weird.........Please understand I would never blast another woman but it made me feel uncomfortable that he would want to stand there with a nurse and a doctor looking at you like a sideshow in such a vulnerable position. Take care. Caroline

I think it's highly unusual for a husband to want to watch this type of exam. Maybe he is uncomfortable having another man see this part of his wife's anatomy (control issues - not a good thing) or he really wants to become an amateur gynecologist and is looking to pick up a few tips. That could be interesting.

There's no way I'd allow my husband to do this. The annual exam is supposed be be a time for you to discuss personal and intimate concerns with your doctor to allow him/her to assess your overall healthcare needs. Having a husband in the room would make that impossible. If his concern is making sure that you're in good health, just sign a HIPPA release form and then your husband can call your doctor's office and get the results of your exam. I'm in training to become a medical assistant and it would make me uncomfortable to have a husband in the room when I was assisting with a routine pelvic exam.

I practically lived in doctors offices when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. After the first few visits, my husband never went with me again. He said watching doctors do a breast exam on me was too weird. It make him feel uncomfortable, like he was intruding on my privacy.

I don't know, I agree with eveyone else. I think this is kind of strange.

Some guys are tinkerers. They love to look under the hood of the car. I bet he took apart clocks when he was a kid to see how they worked.

If he is so curious about what test is being done and what the doctor is feeling for, buy him a book on gynecological exams. All the details will be explained without putting anyone in an awkward situation. Here is one of MANY websites which explain such exams in detail: http://womenshealth.about.com/od/gynecologicalhealthissues/a/gyn101.htm


I have to agree with the others - it is important that you have privacy with your doctor to be able to discuss any concerns that you have and it's possible that your husband's presence could make you feel less able to bring up some things. These exams are about YOU. By insinuating himself into the process he is taking focus away from where it should be.

When my son was seeing psychologist, I would have loved to be present and learn about his methods and how he conducted sessions, but it was more important that my son develop trust in the therapist on his own and not be inhibited by my presence. The session was about helping HIM, not satifying MY curiosity.

I've waited until the more seasoned, learned, and tactful posters responded. True to form, they have given you sound feedback.

Let me just add a couple things. From your health care providers perspective, they are going to think it is weird for you to ask because it IS weird. It will make them very uncomfortable if you were to ask, it will make them cringe.

No health care provider wants to be examining a patient's genitals with a family member looking in. You say he doesn't want to get in the way. Then have him remain in his chair and keep his curiosities to himself. And no, it is not common for anyone to "participate" in the exam, let alone be in the room for that matter (although thats not weird just unusual).

My suggestion, if he wants to "see", purchase a speculum over the internet and other props (gloves, white coat). Whether curiosity or fantasy you can find someone to "play" doctor. Sounds fun. I say get the medical texts!

Besides, you don't want him to be referred to as that weird dude that will be fodder for jokes at parties for years to come, do you?

<small>[ 05-10-2007, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

I disagree with all these other posters. I believe you when you say that your husband is simply curious about the process. I assume he would be just as curious if you were getting some other sort of physical exam. Its not some sort of weird sex thing for him. This is perfectly believable and your ob/gyn, like anyone else, can tell when someone is a weirdo. If your husband isn't a weirdo, the ob/gyn will know this. If he doesn't allow your husband to watch, it won't be because he's 'uncomfortable'..it will be for other reasons.

While I have no interest at all in what goes on when my wife visits the doctor (other then to know that she's healthy), I would think it was pretty silly, if not weird, if my wife had an attitude like one of the posters above...that there had to be some sort of privacy between her and the doctor. This is more weird to me then what your husband wants to do.

Bill, read my last post here. Even if he's simply curious, his natural curiosity has no place in this setting. He's taking something that's about her and imposing his own interest into the mix. It's got to distract both his wife and the doctor from the tasks at hand. He can ask her all about it later. He can learn elsewhere about exams. He can probably even find videos of exams to watch. But he should not interfere with his wife's healthcare.

I can virtually guarantee you the ob/gyn will be uncomfortable. My work is not anywhere near so personal and I HATE having someone look over my shoulder while I'm doing it.

Sorry Eva. I just think thats nonsense that his natural curiosity is out of place or that he is 'interfering' with his wife's healthcare (whatever that means).

The only thing you said that makes sense to me is maybe doc don't like people watching him work. Ok..that may be true...but maybe it isn't true also. That depends on the doctor.

Anonm,since Dr. Jennifer Berman is not an OB/GYN you might want to put your question on the OB/GYN forum.Dr. Andrew Goldstein may be able to give you his opinion on your husbands request to watch from the Dr.'s position.

Mod: thanks for the best response yet, I'll try it over there.

Bill: Thanks for at least having an open mind about the issue - that's more than I can say about some of the other responses, and I agree, I can't understand how my husband is "interfering with my health care needs" - again, whatever that means.

One, I'm a little sorry I asked the question, due to my almost being bashed on it. It certainly appears it is not common, but I am glad my Ob/gyn, my husband, and I are apparently more open minded about this.

Two, some posters above almost make the annual exam out to be a "spa treatment" type thing where you can discuss your "intimate and personal concerns" with your doctor - Like, I haven't already discussed any "intimate and personal concerns" with my husband??? C'mon, I'm married to him, and we are intimate - he's seen about every inch of me, and I have NOTHING to hide - there is NOTHING I have to discuss w/ my OB/gyn that I can't discuss in front of my husband.

3rd - I can understand, a LITTLE, the "Ob/gyn's comfort level" concern raised - that is why I asked the question in the first place, and that is why I further clarified that we are not looking to sue the doctor, my husband is not asking to be over the doctor's shoulder, he's not asking for a medical lesson, etc - and I further clarified that my husband has always been present in the exam room and my Ob/gyn has had no problem with it - BUT, the above responses fail to give any thought towards MY comfort level here - I!! am the patient, and I am comfortable with my husband's presence in the exam room and with his request to observe. To those who suggest that my husband has no place in the exam room at all, you need to again be reminded that I am the patient - it's all about customer service, especially with this type of exam - If my husband's presence makes ME comfortable, then he should not be excluded from the exam room - don't try to justify excluding him, because there is no justification for doing so.

Another way of looking at it is to consider my Ob/gyn having a medical student with him - I really only need to see my Ob/gyn - the presence of a medical student does not add anything to my exam at all, and a medical student's presence at my exam is solely for the benefit of the medical student learning - yes, you are asked (usually) if you mind if a medical student observes your exam - we are simply seeking to ask my Ob/gyn the reverse - can my husband observe - If it's OK for the medical student to observe from the doctor's end of the table, there should be no reason my husband cannot observe from a similar location.

Just my .02 response.