His and Her Health

Dr. Aline Zoldbrod's A to Z Blog About Sex

I have the following blog up as an article on www.ourgyn.com, www.bermansexualhealth.com and www.hisandherhealth.com but wanted to share some of it as my blog and get feedback.

As many of you know, I work in Boston, a city of hard-driving, hard working, low-leisure people. Trust me, Puritanism is still alive and well in my adopted home town.... Parenting is the straw that breaks the camel's back when it comes to enjoying the pleasures of sex. I see women and their mates with the issue of "no time" for sex with our revved up little ones, high-maintenance current parenting style, work, life in general. The kids turn out to be the absolute best birth control. I know that this problem has gotten to be typical throughout families all around America.

Here is a stragegy for "Great Sex for Parents" my husband and I practiced when our two kids were small. I found it worked for me back then, and I have found it works for my patients.

It's an exercise taken from my book SexTalk (p.96, Zoldbrod and Dockett, 2002). Trust me, if you previously liked sex, this strategy works:

"Couples with small children who don't have really close relatives nearby have problems finding time for great sex. Women have a more difficult time than men, because of our arousal patterns and because women frequently have primary responsibility for childcare. It takes a good night of sleep to be able to be a loving, balanced, sane parent in the morning. And it takes a long time of lovemaking for many women to click off from the mommy role and remember that they are sexual beings.

Even if you are a very social couple, make a joint decision that sometimes the two of you will have to forego "social night" with other couples for "really steamy sex night" with yourselves. Most couples cannot have both of these activities in the same night. Take out your calendars and mark off one or two (or more) weekend nights a month where you will not make plans with other people. No family obligations, no anniversary dinners, no movies and dates with friends. Make a plan for the day of the date night that includes:
• No cooking or cleaning up of the evening meal. Get takeout or heat something up.
• Do something that tires the kids out during the day.
• Person who needs nap should take one during the day. Or trade off and both get some nap time.
• Feed the children and get them to bed early.
• Eat a light dinner early yourselves.
• Again, do not fuss with cooking or cleanup.
• Do not eat a lot of food--It makes people tired and makes people feel self conscious about their stomachs, a mood-killer.
• Do not answer the phone after 6 O'Clock.
• Have a movie or something fun to watch or do by yourselves while the kids settle down in their rooms and go to sleep. Whatever this is, make sure you are doing it together. (No going on the internet to email, pay bills, etc. )
• You will have digested your food and gotten the kids to sleep by 9 P.M.
• You will now have at least two hours to have prolonged sex, to giggle, to to just lay down and enjoy eachothers' bodies. All this and you will still be able to get to sleep early enough to enjoy being a parent the next day."

So I'm hoping that some of you will try this and get back to me. And if any of you have other strategies to share, that would be great! A happy sex life is a grand prize.