His and Her Health

I don't know that there is any obvious solution to the problems my husband and I are experiencing in the bedroom, but at the very least I figure I can vent and maybe get some empathy.

My husband has always been a very considerate lover. I'd had plenty of partners prior to him, but had never had an orgasm until he refused to believe me when I said I couldn't have one and kept working until I did. I was definitely appreciative of this and the orgasm became the focal point of sex for me. I admit I wasn't always the nicest person in the world the times when it didn't happen, and I'm sure that cut down on the fun factor for him, but I still thought of him as a good partner.

Last summer, after a few years of marriage, we had been having more and more arguments and my libido had slowed to the point we were sometimes going a month without sex, and even then I had to be convinced. I had pretty much accepted the fact we were headed for divorce, so when I met a nice guy at a bar, it seemed perfectly natural to go home with him. Pretty soon I was skipping my normal workouts at the gym to go over to his place for a different kind of workout.

He was an incredible lover. He was an athlete who could move in ways I'd never experienced before and showed me all sorts of new positions. He could go as long and as many times as I wanted and had a much longer and thicker penis than what I was used to at home. Between all of that and the rush of having sex with someone new, I had my first of what became many vaginal (and multiple) orgasms that I would have with him.

My husband did eventually find out what was going on and we've been in marriage counseling ever since. He had a lot of questions about the affair and I was honest with him and told him what he wanted to know, even if I knew he wouldn't like the answers.

Initially, our sex really improved. Not to the level it was in the affair, but still much better than it had been. He seemed to be trying to last longer and was trying improve his technique and doing some new positions. In retrospect I probably should've handled it better, but I didn't do a very good job of hiding my disappointment. Eventually he got frustrated that the 15 minutes of sex and single clitoral orgasm that used to satisfy me wasn't enough any more, and his interest in sex faded. And admitting to him after a couple glasses of wine that his penis size was a problem was probably not the best move on my part.

The really frustrating thing is that thanks to counseling, everything else in our relationship is better than it's ever been, but now our sex life is totally broken. He thinks I'm size-obsessed and way too demanding, and I think he's throwing himself a pity party and not willing to put in the effort to improve his performance in bed.

So what am I to do? Forget about the amazing vaginal orgasms that I crave? Pretend I don't know how good sex can be with a talented partner? Convince myself size doesn't matter and purge the experiences that say otherwise from my memory banks? They say ignorance is bliss, but I'm not sure I believe that.

Any guy can give multiple vaginal orgasms once a woman is able to have them. Size doesn't matter. Tighten up your PC muscles using the Gyneflex and go on my diet. If your husband isn't long enough to reach your CDS, you can have fabulous G-spot orgasms.

Also learn how to move your body and be on top. Why should your husband be the athlete and do all the work? Move the way it feels good to you, and learn to take what you want.

Certainly not worth giving up a good husband for. A largish carrot can give you multiple vaginal orgasms, but it's a rare man who can give a woman clitoral orgasms every time. You should prize him above rubies.

Quick question to Zaneblue... what does CDS stand for?
By the way... you offer the most amazing advice!

**I didn't realize this had been necro-bumped up by 7 months. Feel free to delete unless the OP is still around**

I think people tend to take their own behavior for granted when gauging a difference in their sexual experience between two partners. To a certain extent it makes perfect sense; you and person A have mediocre sex while you and person B have amazing sex - it's natural to attribute the difference to person B.

However, just listening to your description I would be willing to bet that your behavior with your husband is far and away different than your behavior in your affair. I can attest first hand to just how much of an impact perception and attitude have to a woman's experience of sex. Take a serious look at how you perceive your husband, his penis, his prowess etc. versus your perceptions of your former lover. Continue with your own behavior - are they behaviors that you exhibited with your lover that you wouldn't/haven't repeated with your husband?

In terms of orgasms, I think you should again move some of the attention away from your partner and towards yourself. Sexual maturation, when it happens during adolescence, is when exploration and masturbation normally develop. You learn about your body, how it reacts/tastes/smells. What turns you on and off etc. The more involved this process the more refined the sexual side of yourself becomes. If you had never had an orgasm before you met your husband I'm assuming that means you've never spent considerable time exploring your own sexuality, your own body. Teaching yourself how to orgasm, how to enjoy different kinds of touch. If you won't invest the time into develop your own sexuality as a person (aside from your sexuality as a partner even) how can you be so critical of your husband? It sounds like you're putting all the burden of your pleasure on your husband and that may allow for some hot affairs but for long term, satisfying sex you have to pay as much attention to yourself (if not more) as you do to your partner and as your partner, in turn, pays to you.

Reread your post if you have a mind to. Pay attention to your early description of your husband. He was a considerate lover, patient and focused on your pleasure. He brought your first orgasm out of you. Then after your affair, confession and therapy your sex life improves - he's trying to improve his technique etc and your response is disappointment. To complain about the size of his penis - something he can do nothing to control. I don't know what this shows, I have no credentials to make assumptions or to validate them if I did. Doesn't he deserve the same patience and consideration he showed you? I mean in reading your post I do feel empathy but for your husband.

In terms of penis size, that's a choice you need to make. It's either enough or it isn't. As advice, remember size is relative. If his penis isn't big enough to fill your vagina then maybe you need to find a tighter place to put it (although do NOT just drink a bottle of wine and have a go at anal sex).

I would pick a fantasy or an act that you've never done. Something that is separate from your affair - just between you and your husband. Female ejaculation, fisting, anal sex etc. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it is something you are interested in that allows you to grow your relationship with your husband and doesn't put him in the shadow of your affair. There is a whole lot of sex to be had, I'm sure there's something that can lead you to firmer ground with your husband.

Best of luck!